Breaking Congressional Update: National Pickle Week

For those interested in what’s happening in Congress, I thought you’d be interested in this statement from the Congressional Record of April 1^st, 2015 regarding a very important national issue.

Mr. Speaker, I rise today to inform the members of this august body that my dear friend, the esteemed gentleman from the Great State of California, whose love of country I admire and respect, is a sanctimonious jerk. The legislation he brings to us today does nothing less than attack the very core of our democracy.

I speak, of course, of his proposal to establish a National Pickle Week. If passed, this bill would allow the purveyors of pickle propaganda to brainwash millions of Americans into embracing a pro-brine lifestyle.

Let me be clear. No one enjoys pickles more than myself. I eat those of the bread and butter variety on hamburgers. I eat sweet relish, replete with onions and mustard, on that great American treat, the hot dog. I even drink the juice, which I understand goes well with whisky.

But I ask you, my dear colleagues, what of the other pickled vegetables? String beans, okra and peppers have done as much, if not more, to preserve the freedom we as citizens of this great nation enjoy. And indeed, where is our effort to honor other garnishes? Capers? Cocktail Onions? Almond-stuffed olives? In singling out pickles for such recognition, we send the message that we will cave in to what I can only describe as the ISIS of the pickled vegetable world.

I would never suggest that my cherished companion, whose integrity I admire, would introduce this legislation at the bidding of the pickle lobby. The fact that he accepted over $100,000 in campaign contributions from the Acme Pickle Corporation has no bearing on this discussion. Nevertheless, we, as the preservers of democracy, must stand up to this powerful special interest. We, and only we, stand between freedom and pickle domination.

Now before you get yourself all in a huff about the stupid goings-on in Congress, remember that today is APRIL FOOLS DAY! The citizens of this great nation are safe from the horrors of National Pickle Week. Now let the “This is too true to be satire” comments begin.

- Written by Advocacy Guru, Stephanie Vance